IN these past months I have received emails with snapshot attachments of Salt Lake City, and a quotation from someone in South Africa for my forthcoming jacaranda festival.
Looking in my mailbox now, I have letters from people telling me of future meetings and a nice note from an Indian lady about arrangements for a birthday party. I have no birthday coming, nor do I get invited to many, but now I have a welcome note from the Facebook team telling me that I am a member of that hideous mirror-gazing community, and I have been enrolled under the name of Cabinas, at the invitation of someone who goes by the delightful name of Elvis Barahona Martinez.

I receive all these enrolments and invitations even if I have never, in my conscious life, done the Twitter, Chatter, Mutter or make myself a complete Nutter in this so-called social-networking whirl, though I have been invited to a few and I have put them all in my “Hold” folder in the hope that you cannot hold on to things for long for they shall all soon fade away.

And what do I have here now? An email from a lady named Ruth inviting me to the pleasures of Kwarezimal and Figola in an enticing little nook called Triq ta’l-Ibrag in the district of Swieqi. I have looked in my Atlas to locate those places — I do not Google the Earth if you don’t mind, I am still addicted to road travel — and I have found out that Triq ta’l-Ibrag is actually a little street in sunny Malta. And all those of you who are now suppressing your little sniggers I shall disabuse you of whatever images you are drawing in your mind and let you know that Kwarezimal and Figola are types of cakes that you eat in Malta on Lent and Easter respectively.

As an exercise in lateral learning all this has been very useful. I know now how much influence Arabic has on the Maltese language (“Triq” is unmistakably the Arabic tariq, street; and “ibrag” from the Arabic bourj, tower), and it has all brought back to me once again the aroma of pastizzi wafting in the air amid diesel fumes one hot day at the bus terminus in Valetta.

These are emails from real people, not from soi-disant widows of some African dictators inviting me to share their loot, or that painstaking researcher Kun Chun, who, styling himself as an attorney at law, is trying to introduce me to a “deceased client of mine who shares the same last name as you”.

The said client, I am sorry to say, died in 2005 “as a result of a heart-related condition” as the attorney says delicately in his email, “due to the death of all the members of his family in the tsunami disaster on Dec 26, 2004 in Sumatra Indonesia”. And here the ever resourceful Kun Chun provides a Wikipedia link to the Indian Ocean Earthquake of 2004.

I have an image of this man Kun Chun with ‘tache and beard like Dr Fu Manchu, sidling forth with his piece of paper to elicit my consent to a transfer of US$19,000 (RM63,800) “under a legitimate agreement” without as much as a fanfare.

“If this business proposition offends your moral values,” he adds, “do accept my apology.” He’s a decent sort of guy.

Meanwhile, in the world of real people, I have gained the phone numbers of Kapil and Chitra Desai, Jagdesh Kirpalani, and Sanjay Singh, all apparently working merrily in a busy office in North America.

They flew like doves in my direction, released into the air at the click of the Send button by someone named J. Radia. I have since written to J. Radia to warn her of the randomness of the sorting office of this email provider, and she has replied with an er and an oops and many profuse thanks and apologies and a cheery “Have a great day!”

The email address that I am talking about isn’t the one that you see at the bottom of this page, so I can say “God rest ye merry” to all those who have written to me, but it’s my other one that just the other week gave me a snoop into the social life of one Isatou Ceesay Kebbeh who is now pining for her friend Tida. So if Miss Kebbeh is reading this, I hope she will soon write in with some news for me to forward to her friend in Gambia.

Which brings me to my son who was in a hotel lift one day with a gentleman from Africa. “Ah,” said the burly man who was looking resplendent in a Nigerian buba. “Why are you burning all those churches in Malaysia?”

“I am standing here and you are accusing me of burning churches over there,” riposted my son after recovering from the initial shock of the inquisition. “You’re Nigerian, you must be the man who’s been spamming me with those cod emails.”

The shortest route to instant connectivity is the email.

Email marketing service provider Campaigner has announced the release of its latest version of its Email marketing service, which includes new features and capabilities that further provide businesses with an easy and cost-effective way to build customer relationships, engage with prospects and increase sales.

According to the company, the latest release is aimed to help small businesses to strengthen customer relationships and drive sales by connecting to their customers quickly, simply and affordably. Features include professional-looking email campaign creation, multiple ways to grow and manage lists, integration with CRM, and the utilization of campaign metrics and reports to increase results.

The new email marketing service will enable small businesses to run their own email marketing campaigns without the need to hire costly outside marketing professionals. The new customer-driven product features allows even easier creation of new email campaigns and sign-up forms that help small businesses build their opt-in mailing lists and also helps in importing contacts directly from Microsoft Excel.

In a release, Steve Adams (News – Alert), vice president of marketing for Protus, the provider of Campaigner, said that small business owners often start a business because they’re good at something or have a passion for it and when they try to market that business, though, they may find the tools that are available assume a level of experience or expertise they don’t have.

He said Protus has designed the new Campaigner after asking customers how they could make it easier for them to create effective sales-generating and loyalty-building campaigns.

Campaigner’s Email marketing service is currently available for 30-day free trial. Small businesses can subscribe to the service for just $10 per month.

The company is also offering a free template that includes putting the business colors, logo, fonts and contact information in place. Along with that users can also contact company’s customer service group available 24×7 to answer questions and provide technical support.

Commtouch(R) and MXSweep today announced that MXSweep has further enhanced its email security as a service (SaaS) platform with the addition of Commtouch’s GlobalView(TM) Mail Reputation Service and Outbound Spam Protection solutions.

This move complements and completes MXSweep’s adoption of the full suite of Commtouch email security products, which already includes Commtouch Anti-Spam and Zero-Hour Virus Outbreak Protection.

“We selected Commtouch because its real-time security technologies give us an even greater edge in our market space,” said Edward Grant, CEO of MXSweep. “We tested various messaging security solutions, and Commtouch was by far the most robust. The company is also easy to do business with and provides fantastic marketing support, creating a true partnership.”

MXSweep is using GlobalView Mail Reputation Service and Outbound Spam Protection as integral parts of its managed services for email. MXSweep provides reseller partners with the flexibility to offer their customers full email security protection, based on Commtouch’s complete solution.

With Commtouch, MXSweep’s email protection combines effective anti-spam, anti-virus and anti-phishing coverage with uniquely low false positives while it protects against external email threats.

Together, these services help end-customers achieve a smoothly working IT infrastructure that drives efficiency and productivity. In addition, MXSweep’s vision is built around its SaaS model and the company will continually be enhancing and adding services for its customers.

“We have tested MXSweep for a number of weeks and are very satisfied. The service, enhanced by Commtouch technologies, is exactly what we were looking for — a perfect solution to handle spam and other threats from the Internet,” said Olli Rikala, CEO of Deferon OY, a customer of MXSweep’s.

“We have been working with MXSweep since 2006, and its addition of GlobalView Mail Reputation Service and Outbound Spam Protection to its full email security offering further validates our technology as the ideal solution for service providers looking to strengthen their email protection and reduce operational costs,” stated Ofer Tal, VP, international sales and business development at Commtouch. “With Commtouch’s technology, MXSweep’s customers ensure their end-users are protected against spam, phishing and malware outbreaks.”

ONLY half of the country’s garda stations have access to email or internet facilities, according to figures from the Department of Justice.

Of the 703 garda stations throughout the country, email facilities are only available at 347 “networked locations” within An Garda Siochana.

However, all gardai have access to internal email through the Garda Pulse system.

The figures come in the aftermath of the Garda Inspectorate report, which found a new computer system was urgently required in order to match policing resources to the needs of local communities.

Aspects of the current computer system were described as “antiquated” by the Garda Inspectorate.

Last night, Fine Gael justice spokesman Charlie Flanagan said that while Justice Minister Dermot Ahern was “talking tough” with new legislation to tackle crime, his talk was not being matched with resources. “Every modern method of communication should be available to the gardai. You can’t expect them to fight crime with 1960s methods,” Mr Flanagan said.

Labour Party communications spokesman Tommy Broughan, who has been asking questions about expanding email facilities to garda stations for 10 years, said: “It’s amazing that for the last decade, when the public service and rest of us went online, the Garda Siochana was limping way behind us.” Garda sources said there may have been a reluctance in the past to introduce email facilities in case the public then started to use it as a means of alerting them to issues that needed urgent attention.

Queues

Unlike telephone calls, which come to the attention of gardai immediately, emails of significance could join a queue of correspondence, they said.

However, other sources said there was little reluctance on the part of gardai to have external email expanded to them as part of moves to modernise the force. External email is provided to all gardai from the rank of inspector upwards, Mr Ahern said in response to a Dail written question.

External email has also been made available to members of other ranks and civilian staff based on operational needs identified by garda management.

Meanwhile, out of 98 hoax calls made last year, only 22 callers have so far been identified and investigated by the gardai. Some 88 of the false calls entailed the call-out of the army’s Explosive Ordnance Disposal team.

Mr Ahern said he was focused on identifying the “culprits” in these incidents and — where there was enough evidence — in bringing them before the courts.

However, Mr Flanagan called for stiffer penalties which he said would deter people from making hoax calls in the first instance.

Dusk in America. I am watching our son’s team practise American football on a fall evening. There are about two dozen 8 to 11-year-olds prancing around the coaches. The coaches stand around, hands in their pockets watching these lion cubs gamboling around trying to make plays for tomorrow’s playoff game.

They are called the Bears but they look more like lion cubs fearlessly prowling and prancing in the shadows of their coaches, aging lions. In their helmets, the boys look like little masquerades, preening, beating their chests, talking trash to imaginary opponents.

Our son, Fearless Fang, loves football. He probably prefers the game to going to school or doing something like the dishes. Only the threat of being banned from football practice keeps his dark side still. He does his homework because he needs to play the game.

The head coach sports a Bear Bryant hat; dark, and brooding, he is a cross between Bear Bryant and Obi Okonkwo of Chinua Achebe’s “No Longer At Ease”. Our son lives in awe of his coaches. We have never been late to a football practice; we don’t know the consequences because our son refuses to find out.

My favourite image is of the head coach taking my son aside and giving him a stern lecture about a technique he hadn’t mastered. The look of respect on my son’s face was priceless. One game that they were supposed to win, at half time they trailed the visiting team 0-12. He took all the boys to the wood. The boys came back fuming; they tore into their opponents something ugly and won with a 20-point spread. Later, I asked my son what happened in the woods. He simply said: “Coach wasn’t happy, coach wasn’t happy, daddy!”

Sunday morning in America, the day after Halloween night, spent scavenging for candy. I am alone with many children, several not our own. It is a United Nations of Children. America is browning. The world is browning. Voices are merging into new languages sautéed from the accents of remote ancestral lands.

Tomorrow is Monday, there is no school, smart move, these children are going to be eating candy all day and you don’t want to be their teacher tomorrow; you’d be too busy peeling hyper kids off the walls. I am alone with these children, my spouse having gleefully fled for work; I could see her skid marks on our carpet as she enjoined me to have a great day with children suffering from sugar intoxication.

Fearless Fang, our 10-year old comes into the bedroom, and nudges me awake. He wants scrambled eggs, with onions and tomatoes for him, his siblings and his friends. He wants to make the eggs himself. At the age of 10! He would need to be supervised. I half joke to him that at his age in Africa, I was already a general in the Nigerian Civil War.

But this is America, why would a 10-year old be subjected to the trauma of actually making a hot meal? I shudder at the thought of our little bear setting our house on fire, inviting the drama of fire engines, ambulances, incredulous neighbours and the news media gawking at the ruins of our home – and my atrocious judgment. Who needs the stress? I get up and promise him that daddy is going to make eggs for everybody and of course Fearless Fang is welcome to supervise daddy. Fearless Fang deserves a good breakfast this morning. Yesterday, his football team had the visiting team for breakfast, yum yum.

I am making breakfast to order for Fearless Fang, his friends and siblings. Just like the warrior, my son, wants it. Just like my dad used to make it for us. My dad’s spirit fills the room. I am channeling my dad. He is making scrambled eggs his way. He is humming Jim Reeves’ “Welcome to my World”. First, he cuts up fresh tomatoes from his garden (my dad always had a garden, no matter his accommodations; he could grow vegetables in his bedroom if he had to), then he cuts up onions. He breaks the eggs, adds salt and pepper, whips them into a nice emulsion, adds condensed milk (to give them a fluffy shiny look, he claims). He sautés the tomatoes and onions in groundnut oil and after a while pours in the eggs. The result is always scrumptious.

America. Necessity teaches us several lessons. I can cook now. I can care for as many children as the day throws in my face. It is called survival. My father taught me how to fight back and thrive. My father taught me how to deal with defeat – with song, dance, poetry and the stoicism of our ancestors. My father was my coach. Sometimes, when I didn’t have the physical fight in me, he taught me to charm my way through hell.

I see my father in my son’s football coaches. They demand all that my son can give and more. And they do it lovingly albeit sternly. I shall never forget the look of respect and fear in my son’s eyes as a coach confronted him for forgetting a piece of his uniform at home. He has not forgotten anything ever since. We need men in our lives. I salute my father. I salute my son’s coaches.

They often end up crumpled in the trash or piled in a recycling bin, but the newsletters, memos and glossy placards politicians send to constituents are pricey.

The costs, which can run into the tens of thousands of dollars each quarter, vary greatly per House member.

In Florida, Rep. Vern Buchanan, R, who represents Sarasota and surrounding counties, spent $51,111.93 on franked mail last quarter, from July 1 through Sept. 30.

House members from nearby districts spent considerably less.

Rep. Connie Mack, R, who represents the Naples area, spent $17,993.09, and Tom Rooney, R, who represents Port St. Lucie, Stuart and Fort Pierce, spent $3,376.23.

Each member’s franked mail costs for last quarter, as well as other expenses, went online for the first time last month.

“We send out a lot of e-newsletter updates,” said Jeff Ostermayer, Rooney’s press secretary. “But is franked mail a good way to get the word out? Yes.”

Ostermayer said the only mailing the congressman sent last quarter involved health care and was targeted at seniors.

The franking process allows members of Congress to mail their constituents using tax funds for postage. The money is taken from the Members Representational Allowance, a fund calculated for each member that varies from about $1.4 million to about $1.6 million per year. These funds are used for office expenses, staff salaries, travel to their districts and other costs.

However, franked mail must abide by strict rules. It is reviewed by committees before it is sent, certain words such as “election” cannot be used and mass mailings are not allowed to be sent 90 days before elections.

Peter Sepp, vice president of communications and policy for the National Taxpayers Union, said franked mail costs double during election years. In 2007, a non-election year, House members spent an average of $7,600 per quarter on mail. However, Sepp said the average is misleading because about 200 members rarely use franked mail.

He said most mail surges are in districts where tight races occurred, and congressional freshmen are eager to communicate with their districts so their names and policies become familiar.

“I don’t see a pattern on states, and the patterns also are not entirely evident between political parties,” Sepp said. “It seems to be more a function of [how recent the] election to office.”

Rep. Bill Posey, who represents Vero Beach and other areas, is in his first term and spent $12,656.90 on franked mail last quarter.

“It’s his duty as a member to communicate with the people who sent him here,” said George Cecala, Posey’s press secretary. “If they disagree, they can call us and let us know. I truly think our newsletters are more informative than self-promoting. We aren’t using our franked mail to promote him. He’s just letting his constituents know a lot of data.”

Cecala said many of Posey’s constituents are seniors, some of whom don’t use computers.

Posey sent out one mass mailer that quarter, Cecala said.

He also held five tele-town hall meetings, or conference calls, when he answered questions for constituents who responded to phone invitations to participate. The 75- to 90-minute calls cost between $2,000 and $2,500 each and are tabulated under the “franked mail” category.

Buchanan, who spent about four times more than Posey, is in his second term. He has a strong grip on his district, where he won the 2008 election with 55 percent of the vote, said New College of Florida political analyst and professor Frank Alcock.

Buchanan’s press secretary did not respond to several telephone and e-mail messages.

Sepp, whose organization tracks franked mail costs, said the average has hovered at $20 million to $30 million for each Congress. That amount is lower than the franked mailing highs of the late 1980s, when Congress spent more than $100 million each term.

Franked mailing began to slow down in the 1990s because technology allowed House offices to target specific populations in their districts, such as seniors or veterans, which cut down on mass-mailing costs.

A 1996 rules change reduced the amount of money House members were allowed to spend on franked mail for each address in their districts from 67 cents to 43 cents, which also lowered costs. However, there is no longer a limit to cost per address on franked mail.

Sepp said the use of e-mail and phone calls has also cut costs.

About 90 percent of franked mailing funds are spent on unsolicited mass mailings, in which at least 500 addresses receive mail, he said.

“Ideally, Congress should be limited to using the franking privilege only to notify constituents of town hall meetings or responding to mail,” Sepp said. “It’s probably a fantasy on our part only because a fair number of members depend on more flexible means than that to get out messages.”

Sally Taylor, who owns Magpie Antiques in Pillette Village, was safe and sound in Windsor on Dec. 11, when an email titled ‘In Need of Support’ was sent to more than a hundred of her contacts.

“I am currently in the U.K., I had to attend an unexpected program here, I’m present in London and am having some problems,” the email stated.

“I was mugged on my way to the hotel coming from the session I was attending and there by loosing [sic] my funds and valuables,” it continued, and then asked for a “loan” of $3,470.43 to help pay for the hotel bill and a ticket home.

The emailer asked Taylor’s friends to forward the money to a Western Union near the hotel she was purportedly staying at, a Ramada hotel near the London City Airport.

It’s “really quite a horrible email,” Taylor told CBC News.

Police say anybody who receives an email asking for money, even from a friend, should be wary.

“Verify it,” said Windsor Sgt. Gerry Corriveau.

“I’m not saying don’t help a friend in trouble out,” Corriveau added. “I’m saying verify that they actually need your assistance because once you send money electronically into the cyberworld, it can be picked up anywhere.”